Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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