Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
