My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
