Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize