If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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