you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize