I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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