is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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