Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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