Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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