im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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