I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
