How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
