i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm too high and old for this...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
