Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
