He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
