you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
