chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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