omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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