Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
