you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
