i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
