not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This baby is an asshole
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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