Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
