This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize