my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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