Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
