you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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