the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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