I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
