I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
