fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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