I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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