Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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