oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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