How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i came on her dog
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Randomize
