I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
