She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize