Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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