Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
