It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
