She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sobbing to NWA
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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