tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
