dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
