Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
