You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
