I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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