i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The best revenge is premature balding
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
