Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize