I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
