I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
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