he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
worst night to have a conscience
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
