you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize