If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
