I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
