Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
