life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
