i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
