Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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