He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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