Already got asked if we're dating
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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