my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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