The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
