The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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